By the way, does anybody know the history of lawns and lawncare? Where in
history did this awful practice begin?
Travis Haas
Hazel Green, WI
At 05:02 PM 7/14/02 -0400, you wrote:
> >Lawns & God
>> >
>> > GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and
>> > nature. What in the world is going on down there in
>> > the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets,
>> > thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect,
>> > no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow
>> > in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply
>> > with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting
>> > blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks
>> > of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of
>> > colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
>> >
>> > ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there,
>> > Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling
>> > your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to
>> > kill them and replace them with grass.
>> >
>> > GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not
>> > colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees,
>> > only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with
>> > temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all
>> > that grass growing there?
>> >
>> > ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to
>> > great pains to grow it and keep it green. They
>> > begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
>> > other plant that crops up in the lawn.
>> >
>> > GOD: The spring rains and warm weather
>> >probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the
>> > Suburbanites happy.
>> >
>> > ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it
>> > grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.
>> >
>> > GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like
>> > hay?
>> >
>> > ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them
>> > rake it up and put it in bags.
>> >
>> > GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do
>> > they sell it?
>> >
>> > ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite.
>> > They pay to throw it away.
>> >
>> > GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They
>> > fertilize grass so it will grow.
>> > And when it does grow, they cut it off and
>> > pay to throw it away?
>> >
>> > ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
>> >
>> > GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in
>> > the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn
>> > up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves
>> > them a lot of work.
>> >
>> > ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe
>> > this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they
>> > drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they
>> > can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
>> >
>> > GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some
>> > of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I
>> > do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
>> > spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In
>> > the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural
>> > blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the
>> > trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form
>> > compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
>> >
>> > ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The
>> > Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon
>> > as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles
>> > and pay to have them hauled away.
>> >
>> > GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub
>> > and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and
>> > loose?
>> >
>> > ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves,
>> > they go out and buy something which they call mulch.
>> > They haul it home and spread it around in place of the
>> > leaves.
>> >
>> > GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
>> >
>> > ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind
>> > them up to make the mulch.
>> >
>> > GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this
>> > anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.
>> > What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
>> >
>> > ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's
>> > a real stupid movie about ---
>> >
>> > GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the
>> > whole story from St. Francis
>
>Nick Zarlinga
>Aquarium Biologist
>Cleveland Metroparks Zoo
>216-661-6500 ex 4485
>
>"Fish worship... is it wrong??" (Ray Troll)
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